A Metric Ton Of Fun

Posted on Fri Jan 5th, 2024 @ 7:22pm by The Narrator & Lieutenant Jayla Kij MD & Lieutenant JG Stanislav Finch

1,588 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Lotus's of Calypso
Location: USS Daedalus, Sickbay
Timeline: During the transit to Talbian V

"Huuum..."

Proximal, whose voice box no longer made a loud and grating CLICKING noise every time he spoke, looked from Finch and then back to Jayla.

"Intelligence officer, you say?" Proximal said, folding his upper main limbs under his 'head' again. The fact that he had gotten up off of the biobed, turned 180 degrees, and then turned his head around to look that way did nothing to make him look good. The cybernetic parts, the glossy internal organs that were just almost on display, and the leathery almost plate-like armour of its shells were not made for aesthetics.

"Is he from a smaller subspecies of your Federationist hegemony? Sexual dimorphism is not uncommon, but usually, the males tend towards being more flamboyant. This one merely looks flammable," Proximal muttered darkly.

Jayla did not reply, but could not hide the glee from her face and had to bit her lips to keep from laughing right out loud.

"Yeah, I'm real hot shit," Finch said blandly. "If you were angling to service deez nuts, I won't be one to say no. Captain said to gain headway anyway possible."

Proximals six eyes all blinked out of sequence, before looking again at Jayla.

"I can sell you a much more robust and reliable translation software, as I almost certain he made as little sense to me as to you my dear."

“Don’t worry,” Jayla assured him. “Nobody really understands Finch.”

"You can't bullshit a bullshitter," Finch said. "Captain says you deal with me, so you must be an even bigger pain the ass than I am. He's got Doctor Tits McGee here babysitting us, so whatever he wants must be important. Let's skip the boring foreplay and tell me what you want in exchange for whatever it is the captain wants. And make it really good, an offer so teasingly irresistible that I just bust a nut hearing it and roll over and go to sleep."

"The location of six of the USS Icarus's log beacons, as well as their chronological orders. Combined with my knowledge of the local polities and societies that call this region their home. Two of those beacons lie in areas of space hotly contested by some very aggressive species, and I would feel terrible if you and your crew ended up harmed on your quest of rescue." Proximal chittered.

"Yep, that's some good bait," Finch hummed before dropping to a vocal fry. "What's it gonna cost and what are you leaving out?"

"Thank you, I thought so too. At first, I was keeping track of the Icarus because they were fools, and there is profit in the chaos fools can conjure. But now, dividends. " Proximal said sounding overly pleased with itself. "As for what I desire in return, as payment for this deed, I merely wish to be returned to my rightful place of command aboard my ship."

"Mhm." Finch wasn't buying it. "And what's the catch? You mentioned aggressive species but said precious little about the areas of the other four locations. These Starfleet types aren't the type to interfere in other people's politics, at least outside their space. If you're looking for a mercenary, Maddox ain't your guy. How's about you give us the beacon locations and we drop you off at the nearest port?"

While Jayla couldn’t stand Finch, she had to admit he was good at his job. Negotiating very low to try to get the best deal possible was a solid tactic. She nodded approvingly, but said nothing.

"Nearest port?" Proximal chuckled. "I would have preferred to have been left on my wreck among those spider-encrusted rocks than be deposited like cargo somewhere. No, I will not part with my knowledge until I have an assurance that I will be returned to the power that is rightfully mine! It was, after all, your fault I was deposed. You say you don't interfere, but the Icarus and that Hawk fellow interfered. He took a side in the shipboard politics of my crew and planted seeds of doubt in my leadership."

Proximal was now growling.

"I was captain for over five hundred years, and in the space of a day of meeting the Icarus...I want them found as much as you, but I want what was taken from me by you Federationists."

"But we have the ship and you don't," Finch said. "I don't give a flying fuck about your tale of woe, so if that's all you got to offer, then we might as well dump your slug butt right here because right now you haven't even paid a fare to get you to port."

Proximal mused over that statement for a time, some internal mechanism within his armoured bulk clicking back and forth like old vacuum tube resistors.

"Very well then," he said, extending a claw. A holographic prompt appeared above it, a little Starfleet glyph designed to represent a common file codec being offered for transfer. "Not a log file, but a drive signature for a Danitz Imperium war cruiser. They are...or were, perhaps is better, a major power spinward of the Reef Stars. Some calamity or other splintered their realm, and now their fleets wander as roving bands of warlord nomads. One of their ships would be a meagre threat, but they travel in packs. A major combatant and supporting elements."

He mused.

"Your ships sensor suite should be able to be tuned to detect them easily enough, give you some warning if you are to be ambushed or wander into one of their hunting grounds," Proximal grunted. "Is that suitable payment? Along with the location of the Mendicants of Talbian V?"

Finch reviewed the metadata surrounding the file and placed it in secure digital storage along with his Changeling erotica and tentacle porn. Those were hermetic hazards. "I'll pass it on to the captain for review and he will let you know what he decides whenever he gets around to it." He tipped an invisible hat. "Still, if you want him to avenge you or whatever, you're better off with the glowing space peens back where we found you. Plasma leviathans or whatever. Maddox doesn't do payback." His face turned sly. "Now if you want someone with a knack for ruining people's day and a sordid absence of scruples, then we should arrange a more discreet time and place for future negotiations away from Tits McGee here." He threw an annoyed but not unaroused glance at Jayla.

Jayla shook her head. “Trust me,” she told Proximal. “You don’t want whatever he offers. It’s usually disgusting and sometimes it’s illegal.”

"You think that sounds like a bad thing?" Finch pointed at the cyber cockroach. "Look at him. Disgusting and illegal only adds value to something like him."

“He has value beyond his physical appearance, Finch,” defended Jayla hotly. “He has knowledge of this area of space for one. Besides which,” she added almost haughtily, “I think he’s beautiful!”

"Then fuck him already and let me get the hell out of here," Finch said before a lurid grin came over his face. "No, strike that. I'll stay and watch."

She gave him a disgusted look for a few seconds, then said, in a voice dripping with contempt, “I cannot even comprehend the absolute ignorance necessary to believe that everything beautiful is automatically fuckable. How has nobody strangled you, yet?”

"Oh, believe me, they have." Finch gave a suggestive waggle of his eyebrow over his seedy grin. "I find that it...helps me. You know. Sink the sub, pop the weasel, butter the biscuit..."

At this, Jayla only rolled her eyes and sighed. “See what I mean?” she said to Proximal in the universe’s most exasperated tone.

Finch went on with his list. "... knock the boots, fold the sushi, wack the bush, churn the cream, crush the buns..."

With another sigh, Jayla opened her mouth. And the words and concepts that came out were so absolutely foul, it would be the height of cruelty to subject the reader to them. So instead, we shall simply say that it was enough to make the likes of Hannibal Lecter cringe in disgust. “Two can play that game,” she finished.

"You filthy gutter mouth..." Finch's jaw hung agape. "Marry me!"

“Don’t be absurd,” she replied.

"Don't be a dirty whore," he said back. "Or do. In my quarters, s'il vous plaît."

“Not even if you were the very last being in the whole universe,” she replied.

"Well, then I think we're done here." Finch put his hands behind his back and turned to Proximal. "We'll be in touch."

"I hope not directly after this mating display," Proximal muttered. With a cracking of bones and vacuum welded metal, the cyborg unfolded itself from the biobed and settled onto its legs. "I would expect a certain level of personal hygiene following...whatever this is. And I have seen the flesh pits of Kyxs Major."

“I know I need a shower,” muttered Jayla darkly. “Everyone needs a shower just thinking about Finch.”

"Aw yeah!" Finch pumped his fist in the air. "My shower camera feeds are gonna' be lit!"

"I would have thought your case, further illumination would be a detriment, not an aid. Though what do I know?" Proximal said, waving a claw.

Jayla snickered at that and would have offered Proximal a high five, but she doubted he would understand what it meant.

 

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